I look across the way.  We’re at a company retreat.  We’re sitting around a campfire, after a day of personality tests and lectures.

He’s a big barrel chested guy with a loud voice.

I’m a computer nerd with hunched over shoulders.

Why is he so fucking loud?  I can’t get a word in edgewise.

Hold on.

I inhale into my belly and hold for a few seconds.  Exhale.  I feel the ground under me.  I listen to the crackle of the fire.  I’m inside a bubble.

There’s a girl there I’m kind of interested in.  She’s kind of skinny, with slender arms and a long neck.

Squeeze the muscles in my pelvic floor.  Inhale and hold.  My spine tingles. Exhale.

He turns to me, talking to the group at large.  She turns to look at him.

“Harvard people never say they went to Harvard.  They say they went to school in Cambridge, or Massachusetts.  It’s like they think they’re smarter than everyone else.”

Inhale. Feel the ground.

“What makes you say that?”

He glances at me.

“I got into Harvard but couldn’t go because we couldn’t afford the tuition.”

I inhale and let my breath out slowly.  Everyone is looking.

“I went to state school instead.”

I imagine all kinds of answers - what school did you go to, how do you feel about that.  But none of it feels quite right.  

Inhale, hold, gaze.

He looks at me for a moment.

“I got into Harvard but couldn’t go because we couldn’t afford the tuition.”

Exhale, hold.

“I guess it’s always kind of gotten to me, wondering what would have happened if I could have gone.”

I nod.

The girl speaks up.  Everyone turns to look at her.

“You Americans are always talking about schools and where you went.  What does it matter?  We’re all here now.”

The fire pops.

“I’m going to have a smoke,” she says, as she begins rolling a cigarette.

He pulls out a harmonica.  “Does anyone mind if I play?”

He starts to play a quiet tune.

I look at her.  “Do you have another of those?”